


The Giant Spider Job

by tabris



Category: Leverage
Genre: Alternate Universe - Fantasy, Fluff and Humor, Gen, Multi, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-12
Updated: 2015-10-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 01:13:25
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4984156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tabris/pseuds/tabris
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Dammit Hardison! I <i>told</i> you that was a spider web! What the hell?"</p><p>A very short, hairily barefoot Hardison rounds the corner a moment later and only avoids smacking into the sharp rock wall facing it thanks to Eliot grabbing him at the last second.</p><p>"Well excuse me for thinking it might be some kind of network cable," he says breathlessly, "I just wanted to get online. How was I supposed to know spiders could get <i>that</i> big?!"</p><p>"<i>We're in a cave!</i>"</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Giant Spider Job

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Sildominarin](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sildominarin/gifts).



> It seems when given the prompt 'Anything' my brain goes with 'Everything'. This whole thing is entirely indulgent goofiness, fair warning. Fannish references all over the place because Eliot's bound to have picked up more than a few nerdy bits and bobs after being around Hardison for so long, even if they're all jumbled up.

The mouth of the cave comes into view as Eliot races around the corner, skidding on loose gravel and yelling at the top of his lungs.

"Dammit Hardison! I _told_ you that was a spider web! What the hell?"

A very short, hairily barefoot Hardison rounds the same corner a moment later and only avoids smacking into the sharp rock wall facing it thanks to Eliot grabbing him at the last second.

"Well excuse me for thinking it might be some kind of network cable," he says breathlessly, "I just wanted to get online. How was I supposed to know spiders could get _that_ big?!"

" _We're in a cave!_ "

"Not the point, man, the point is why is it always spiders??"

The chittering behind them grows ever louder, too loud, too fast. Slinging Hardison in front of him, Eliot shoves him at the opening with a growl that clearly says they're having a serious discussion on the hazards of touching strange substances in underground tunnels later.

This is even worse than that time with the thing with the plunger on its head.

Two steps from sunlight, something sticky and wet slams into Eliot's back, clinging to his chainmail vest and wrapping around his waist in a constricting grip. He digs his heels into the rocky soil to no avail; the thing has him good and is reeling him in.

In a last ditch effort to free himself, Eliot slices at the webbing with his shortsword but it's no use. The webbing is too thick and viscous to cut through easily, and once the massive spider cottons on to what he's trying to do it shoots out another strand, then another to trap his arms by his sides. In seconds it's got his feet as well and he's just glad he manages to land face up.

Or maybe not.

Because when he looks up, his entire field of vision is filled with a spider the size of a thoroughbred horse, its strange, blonde color barely a footnote in Eliot's mental book of weird when compared to the hundreds and hundreds of swirling, iridescent eyes scattered around its massive head.

Distantly, Eliot can hear Hardison yelling but he can't quite draw a breath to answer, and regardless, he's too captivated by all those _eyes_.

There's probably magic involved. Eliot hates magic.

He's going to die at the the hands (legs? pincers?) of a giant magical creature and it's all Hardison's fault.

Thankfully, he still has the wherewithal to glare, ensorcelled or not, and a few squirms later he can drag in an incredibly useful lungful of air.

The thing clicks its pincers at him, sickly yellow venom dripping far too close to Eliot's feet for comfort.

"How dare you try to steal from me," it hisses.

It sounds oddly human. Female human, even. And incredibly angry.

He _knew_ this quest sounded fishy. That guy at the bar had been way too confident but far be it from Alec Hardison to back down from a challenge, no.

"If it helps any, it wasn't my idea. I'm just the muscle," Eliot says. It's not like he could be any more screwed.

The spider looks him up and down with a couple dozen eyes and Eliot gets the impression if the thing had eyebrows it would be raising a few at him.

"Yeah, yeah, he didn't warn me about you. Bastard just said 'You might run into some pesky local flora and fauna'."

Eliot really hopes Hardison can manage to find his way back to town by himself so he can stab the jerk in the face with his own great big yellow exclamation point.

Humming — and since when do spiders hum, _how has this become his life_ — the spider considers him. Almost like it's planning something.

"Sooo," it says, hissing taking on an oddly conversational tone, "how would you feel about getting him back?"

"I— huh?"

"He tricked you, and stole something from me. It seems fair."

Not that Eliot disagrees exactly, but, well, spider. Giant spider.

On the other hand, certain death. Giant spider it is.

"Sure, but uh. No killing me or Hardison, okay?"

"Okay! He's funny. I like him," it adds, sounding way too chipper for something that dangerous. Then it holds out a spindly leg as if to shake hands.

With a final shimmy, Eliot frees himself from the webbing around his torso only to fall back over onto a pile of very sharp rocks, banging his head hard on the ground.

 

Eliot shifts in the bed, trying to clear his head of the weirdest dream he's ever had and simultaneously dislodge whatever the hell is stabbing him in the ribs without dislodging Parker who'd apparently come in at some point in the middle of the night to starfish on top of him and Hardison.

After some creative bending and digging, he comes up with a handful of rather large, rather sparkly gems.

He shoves the lot in front of Parker's face and grunts questioningly.

Parker opens one eye and smiles brightly, if a bit subdued. "Mm, sleepy. Didn't wanna go all the way across town to put them all up."

It's like herding cat people, talking to Parker sometimes.

Cats, not cat people. God, Eliot's been living with them for way too long.

He shoves his face into his pillow for a second, then turns to Parker.

"So how did three-quarters of a million in gemstones end up in the sheets?"

Grin turning sneaky, Parker twists over, then curls into Eliot's side between him and Hardison.

"With you is the safest place they could be. Besides me, of course."

 

_The next morning…_

"Just so you know, for future reference: nerd movie night, or experimental drink night. Pick one."

"Aw, come on. Butterbeer and Lord of the Rings is a _classic_ pairing."

"Beer and pretzels. White wine and fish. Those are classic pairings. Hallucination-inducing drinks you've made based on a kids' movie and twelve hours of dudes walking around Narnia ain't!"

"Okay first of all, _Narnia_? That's like calling Serenity the Enterprise, or the Avengers the Justice League: comparable quality but wrong like a wrong thing, oh my God. Second—"

Eliot just grins, tosses Parker a box of cereal, and shoves a forkful of scrambled eggs into Hardison's open mouth.


End file.
